Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
