Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
