I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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