I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
