Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
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Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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