If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
