i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
