It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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