doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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