Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
