Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
