The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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