So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
