I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
