I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
