He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
