so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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