i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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