I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
