So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
