Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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