i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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