i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
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