The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
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I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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