I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you win again, gameday.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
