fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
