Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
