I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
