Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
