i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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