it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
