It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
