I could make wine with my vomit
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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