It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious