i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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