My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
