did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
