It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
