Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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