i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so explain again why im purple
no
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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