This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
