I could make wine with my vomit
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
