When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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