My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
