I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize