So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
