You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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