I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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