I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
