Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
