the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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