You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
