I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
