woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
