hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
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You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i believe in u and ur pee
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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