I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
