best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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